To Rebuild...

After years in a marriage that has steadily declined, I find myself rather relieved, now that she and I have talked, and decided it is over.

Did he say .....relieved?!?!
Yes, I did.

It has been a long eight years, two of which have been with no physical contact at all between her and I. You know, that three letter word that starts with S..

I thought you may figure it out.

Anyways, marriage counselling did not work, all that did was slowly show us what we really needed to do, and that was to talk. Talk about how this wasn't working anymore and the reasons why.

We did that, late at night while the kids where in bed.
She came to realize she has been living a lie, one that she has struggled to refuse acknowledge.....that she is attracted to women, not men.

Feelings have changed between she and I, so I was not upset. Again, I was relieved, because for years I was told this was all my fault, that it was due to my actions or inaction that she felt the way she feels. It was a relief to feel that weight removed and let the light of understanding fall on my head.

Was I angry? No.

To some it may be a shock to their manhood or Ego to feel that the woman you have been with for eight years, married, and had children with, has no sexual feelings for you, no attraction and wants to be with women only.

Yes, to some at the start of this would be grinning and say, Oh Yeah, THREESOMES.

NO-SOMES.

As we talked into the early morning hours over coffee, she explained that she had always felt that way, but due to how she was brought up and for religious convictions of feeling it was wrong to feel that way, she sought to feel 'normal' to live what she felt people thought a normal life should be for her. As time went by with she and I, it steadily forced her to realize her feelings and attractions, things she is still coming to grips with and trying to understand both what is going on with her and how it relates to her past. She is seeing a therapist that seems to be doing quite a bit of good for her.

I still care about her, and will do whatever it takes to make sure she gets things straight in her mind, works through the problems she may be having and get any and all medical help she should.

Why?
Cause you do not turn your back on people you care about.

When she and I first married we talked about kids and work, and decided I would work to support the family, and she would stay at home with the kids, so there was one parent with the kids at all times. Yes, it is hard supporting four of us on one income, but it is better for one of us to be with them at all times than have a daycare raise our children for us while we work. We both felt that way.

Well, it may have been a good thought then, but not so good now. Now she is preparing herself to get back out there and work again, which will happen when my son starts Kindergarten later this year. We have talked and agreed that we will divorce, but the courts will not decide support nor custody of the kids. The courts do not know what is going on nor do they know the type of people she and I are - we essentially already know what will happen and as for support, she knows I will never let my kids go without, and she is right.

She and I will work to pay off the debts we have, she will also help with purchasing another vehicle, and in another place for myself. One of the conditions is that I live close by, which is not a problem, because we both want whats is best for the kids - and what is best for the kids are two parents that get along.

I am sure it could have been much worse, but she and I have become roommates for now while we are in the same house. I have changed the toy room into another bedroom and that is now her room. It is minor changes but the way I see it....least I don't have a disaster for a toy room anymore. [chuckling]

I may have lost a wife, but I gained...... a friend.

Now I begin looking at myself, as a single man with children, to rebuild the MAN inside me, to rebuild and refocus to myself. I have a bad habit of adapting to the person I am with, and for eight years, her likes and dis-likes became my own...now, I will re-examine and find the likes and dis-likes that are mine.

This time though it is going to be different.
While I am looking for Friends, Companionship's, Casual Dates - I am not throwing myself into relationships. I am not looking for long term. I am looking to be me - but now I can say, you can either accept MY conditions or you can leave.

But I will tell you this, I am not so insecure anymore. I am a good guy, not some jerk that preens over himself and treats a girl like dirt. I have my flaws, as does anyone, but I know the type of person I am - pass me by as even a friend, well....it's your loss, not mine.

[Knowing smile flits across my face]

....not my loss at all.